Colds are extraordinary things. Can you think of anything else so popular—few people miss a cold when it is doing the rounds—yet so disliked? I, of course, have a cold. In fact, I pride myself in not letting a decent cold go past without grabbing it and making it stop with me for a few days. I am, I can say without any measure of a boast, a cold expert.
Some colds are up-front about what they are. When these come to stay, I have a dripping nose and sneeze violently every few minutes. Add an occasional shake of the body, rattle of the lungs and roll of the eyes and everyone avoids me. This, I believe, is a sign of my popularity. People know I enjoy a good cold and leave me alone to take pleasure in it.
In my eagerness to ensure I do not miss any passing epidemic, I occasionally make an error of judgement and catch influenza. Influenza mind, not “the flu.” The flu that everyone around here complains of it nothing of the sort; it is just a good old-fashioned dehabilitating cold. But people do not welcome it, do not try to understand it and wrongly accuse it of being the flu. Influenza is something altogether different. It makes you so ill you have to retire to bed and you have no chance of catching a cold at all.
Recently, colds have begun to misbehave. They were traditionally the preserve of the colder weather, allowing a period of reflection and recuperation during the summer months. But the weather has changed and we no longer seem to have seasons anymore. The winter is warm, the summer cold, leaves fall in the spring and plants bud in the autumn. Led by this wayward weather, colds have lost all sense of responsibility and insist on visiting all year round.
Right now, I have a cold. Not a decent, traditional cold but a post-modern stuck behind the nose and eyes cold. It is too clever to express itself publicly and concentrates its pain inside my head, where it cannot be seen. As no one believes I have this expressionless cold, they come near me, even kiss me. Zap! The cold hops a ride on someone else.
As I said, colds are extraordinary things. I have a cold but I do not want sympathy. I just want to get rid of it. Is anyone interested in giving it a home?
Andy Boddington